now while i consider myself to be a relatively shitty person, there are some parts of me where i have to step back and say WHAT
for example

• friends are nice, the reaction, distrust them openly
• create some scenario where friend hates me and on is friends with me because reason, the reaction, passive aggressively respond to said made up reality

there are many more but these are the reasons i like to stay solitary. one of my friends said that she does not want to put people through the mental tribulations that occur in her head. amd i relate. i dont want people to be hurt by my unrealistic thoughts.
but at the same time i cant keep myself away from other forever, eventually i have to reemerge from my cave-of-interneting and mold in with regular society, and putting that off will make it harder to go back.
but you know what; it is for the better.